Gone Again!

Well she did it again, Ashley my 23 year old (even though she said she is 24) won't be 24 until the 24th, has moved out again. She and her friends have found a nice house to rent. I had to relive all the trauma of the first move. My baby out on her own..so young and simple, why does she want to meet the big big world again? Though she is well prepared and all my speeches have been given again, I will miss her smile and even the 30 plates and glasses that mysteriously come out from the room in which she dwelt(weekly), and dropped on the counter by the sink so they can be magically washed by the invisible fairy. I am now left with two, if you count my husband three to raise.
I will miss her smiles and her literal thinking. I will miss crawling into bed with her to watch a show I don't even get. Some show that only the "kids" find interesting. Though the gap between mom and daughter is growing less, she still has much to learn. If I follow with wisdom already learned I will continue to learn from all of my children. I have already been told she will be back and staying over on predetermined nights when she will find an excuse to be home with us. I look forward to anytime my girls want to be home. For the four walls that we call home, to me it is only a house, the kids and family that is where the home is.
So the journey for all of us continue. I am still on my quest to do new things and slowing things are changing. I enjoy it all. I love life, we all need to understand that we are connected. With my family I know I will never be without that connection. Thanks for reading Weebalmom

Something New!

Well I decided to change a few things in my life. I can not expect things to change if I don't start the change myself. So I started small, like cooking on a different burner on the stove. Sitting on the other side of the church. Sending my poetry out to be judged. Going out and hanging with friends, instead of sitting at home. Jumping in the car and heading to the beach on the spur of the moment. I started taking steps that hopefully will take me places I have not been. Yes it can be scary trying new things. All about the fear of the unknown, and leaving the "safety zone". So far I have found it sooo interesting. I have seen a lot of changes in just a short time. I feel different about who I am. Now I want to change me for the better. Find my inner peace, find my real calling. I want to be a better person. I have had a few set backs, spending some time in the hospital again! However, I did use that time to reflect on where I was in life and where I wanted to go and where I wanted to be.
I have written before about how blessed I am. That has not changed. I think everyone really is blessed. I don't think everyone will think so, but if we only focus on the bad, that is all we will see. We never really see what others see. We always think someone else has it better. Little do we know about how someone else is really living. What looks wonderful on the outside may in fact be terrible on the inside. We should not compare ourselves to others, but should compare ourselves to God's plan and what he wants for us. As I have gotten older I understand that I will never ever please everyone. The only one I should really worry about is God and what He thinks of me. Knowing that really takes a huge load off of my shoulders.
I don't worry about will I please him or her. I now care did I do what God wanted me to do today? I think that is where the desire to make some changes have come in. I know God has been wanting me to make some changes for the better for a long time. Why is that when God says we need to change we fight it so much? But when a so called friend makes a comment on how we could or should be we jump to please them? I really think society right now is real messed up. We follow the crowd (the wrong crowd) because we want to feel apart of something, anything. God had never left us. Even though we have often put Him on the back burner. How patient is He to stick around when we walk or run down the wrong path? I am so thankful that He is so patient.
I have found that just changing a few things started a whole new world for me. I look forward to the places I am going and the new experiences that I will have. I am not afraid any longer. I look forward to the part I can not see as an exciting new adventure that I am finally ready to take part in. I look forward to my new outside as well as the peace I am feeling daily on the inside. What will this bring for me the rest of the year? Who knows. I know that I will find it true joy to experience all that comes with change. I will learn, laugh and love through it all. Thanks for reading. Weebalmom

Where am I going?

Have you ever felt that your running in circles? I have even felt that I was time warped getting to another part of the house, not remembering how I actually got there. Does this mean I don't take the time to smell the roses? I would guess so...since I just looked all over the house and was only able to find a couple of plastic roses. Are we as moms just on such a super speed that our kids barley see what we do. This would explain how they think that dishes wash themselves an dirty laundry magically reappears folded in their dressers. It also explains how we can tell if even one child is "not him or her self" I don't know about you but I tend to carry their worries and woes on my shoulders, much like God does with us.
I really don't know how he does it... Love us in spite of ourselves. He always will bring bad to good, and always give you a way out when your in over your head. It is and always will be up to us to take that first step. I am one very grateful to God. He starts my day over fresh and holds not one grudge. Why can't we do that. I am sure it has a lot to do with what we think our rights are. We think, we deserve, we know, and we have a right to feel however we do regardless of others that may be concerned.
I have been working on me the last month with the Love dare book my husband and I are doing. At first I admit I was more interested in him taking that class then me....after all he needed it most. As I write this now I know I need it more than him. Now give me a pat on the pack for that one because that was pretty hard to admit. We as women are pretty good at getting our agenda's met. We have our smiling, eye blinking and winking ways. But because we can SHOULD we? I think not.
When ever the conversations revolve around our needs how can we truly meet the needs of others.
I believe we as a society have lost compassion, lost the freedom of care, for fear of the outcome. I have learned from many experiences that those who hate the most for sure need the most love and understanding. We are all part of the words. Each working off each others strengths and weakness. Why are we not better than this by now?
I know I am very tired of walking around the same tree. I want to try new things and meet new people, that can help me with my dreams and desires. I know your all are out there. We all have our connections. What are we waiting for? I also excitedly wait for where I am going!!

I'll ask God for my direction and how he so eloquently for sees my future.

Mother number 2

Well the world has lost another beautiful soul. My ex-mother-in-law, who I always referred to as mother number 2, has passed on to a beautiful place. Audrey was her name. She taught me so much about being a great mother-in-law. One day when I am one, I hope to remember all she taught me. Even when her son and I divorced, her and her husband never treated me any different, even after I remarried. She was at my baby shower and they both came to the hospital after my son was born. I was and always have been since the day we met, been their daughter. I was blessed to be there with her when she passed. I was both wondrous and rewarding. I learned after she passed that her and dad number 2 never had a fight in 59 years. I choose at that moment to not fight with my husband again. I figured if some people could go 59 YEARS, I certainly can go a year or more. She passed on June 20th at 0205 am. She had Alzheimer's, I lost her conversation a couple of years ago. I never lost her love. It stays with me today and forever she will be a part of me. I celebrated my 16th birthday at her home with her baking me a cake (which she did every year after). I gave her three girls after several generations of just boys.
It was not until I got older that I realized just how much she taught me. Never did she interfere with the problems of my first marriage. She always followed our instructions with the raising of the girls, with the exception of maybe too many cookies. She always was there for me even after the divorce. She and now her husband continues to send me birthday cards. If they ever were disappointed by my actions I never knew it. They both came from such a wonderful generation. She was 82 when she passed.
When I was at the viewing she looked like she always had..beautiful. They played pictures of when she was younger..through her later days. Her smile was consistent. I was so blessed to be a part of her life. I know that she was an exception to many who are in constant battle with their mother-in-laws. To this I say to you..Choose to take the higher road and end the fighting. Show your children how they should act by your actions and your words. Your kindness can not only change you but your mother-in-law. Even if it doesn't you will be a better person for doing the right thing. For all you mother-in-laws out there ..you too do the right thing. Give your opinion when it is asked for and remember you are the example for you grandchildren and daughter or son-in-law. Wouldn't be wonderful if your in-law wrote this about you one day? Choose to spread peace in the family. Choose to set the better example.
There are many things in this world I wish I could "take back" but being Audrey's daughter-in-law will never be one of them. I would do it all over again just to be a part of her life. This is not to put dad number 2 down. He too was and is one of the finest men you could ever meet. I send this out as a thank you for all they both taught me.

On the upswing!

Wow! Thanks to everyone that gave me such uplifting prayers and hope. Thanks to all from Cafemom! I am doing much much better and my glass I am happy to say is once again Half full! It is so funny how one day can seem to change the world. I have always said that God gives us new mornings to begin again. The great thing about life is that we can start over at anytime and anyplace. We can use our past, as lessons learned. I know that some lessons take longer to learn then others. But I am so grateful for each and every sunrise.
I never did get to tell you about the Great date that my husband surprised me with. The first Thursday of every month the local park will have date night. They show a movie in the park. We now are members! Yea! So all date nights are included in the small fee they charge. He had planned out everything right to the last detail. Every moment went off without a hitch. He even showed up at the door with a dozen roses. My daughter babysat and we had a blast! He had a picnic basket with goodies all ready. The movie was PS I love you. I loved that movie. I cried. My face was hurting the next day from all the smiling I was doing. I felt so loved and so special that night. It was like a really cool rondevu.
Just letting all you know, I know you are worn out. I know that times are really hard right now. I know that sometimes you just wonder how much more you can take. I know sometimes you may think to yourself, is it all worth it? My answer to all is just hang in there. Yes it is all worth it! Yes, all you do,does matter! Yes, even if not another person notices what you do as a mom, it will have lasting effects on our future, and yours. That all the praise that you surly deserve and need comes sometimes in small packages. Like a smile from that cute little face, just when you need it the most. Like a picture drawn just for you that you are not even sure what it is; but the pride on your child's face says it all. You know as well as I do that no matter what the picture really was meant to be, you don't really care. You will place it on the refrig with pride. Take one day at a time. If you find that just to much, which I have. Then take one hour or minute at at time. It is all worth it. Time goes by so fast. Don't miss a minute of it.
I keep a journal on all my kids, I have since birth. I write in it from time to time about what was going on, how I was feeling, new things they accomplished. I still have it even on the older ones. Yes I still am writing in them all. I look back now and don't even remember some of the hard times I eventuality had. But seems that when I wrote them they really bothered me. Then times I had so much fun. I also have a journal that I write just for me. I can even tell you how much I worried over stuff that now I laugh at.
I pray this to all, take a deep breath, and keep going. Ask for help from family and friends when you need it. Use everyone and everybody that will help. It is never a sign of failure to ask for help. Just the opposite is true. It takes strength to swallow our pride and ask for help. Take a break when you need it. I used to love nap time. Even if the kids did not sleep they were required to stay on their bed. It was my favorite time of day. Remember date night is as important as diapers and baby wipes. If you lose being a couple, your child or children can lose that wonderful balance that two parents bring. Even if it is just a walk around the block. I often went into the garage to yell it off. Look at me just full of advise all over again.. I guess I'm back. Thanks for reading Weebalmom

The bitterness of life

I'm usually a glass half full type, however lately I find myself on the other side. So much has happened since my last post. My youngest boy has turned 9. My youngest girl has turned 21. I am at a point in my life (at least in this moment) that I demand more from myself and those around me. When you are demanding more, at least I, find myself trying to balance my wants and my needs. Seems as you get older the want and needs tend to blend together. I think it must be that most of our wants at this age are in fact needs. When I was little I never remember asking for the "cool" toys or even caring about them. I just wanted my close friends and my pets, of which I had many (pets). I am sure that most women my age ponder life. As I am sure men a little older do the same. I even now don't care about things as much as I do people. With this I must admit I am not as giving as I use to be. I also don't seem to have the same compassion that when I was younger flowed so freely. Am I in fact going to be one of those "bitter old women"? Or am I going though my selfish phase?
We live in a society that is all about getting and not as much about giving. Most children and adults today are spoiled. I know I am. I know that at any moment I can go to my frig and get a nice cold glass of milk. I can turn a faucet and cool water comes from the tap. I can flick a switch and my lights magically turn on. I have children who love me and a husband I am pretty sure does (remember I am in my half empty mood). Now that should prove it. He took me just a couple of weeks ago to a wonderful date night in the park. We watched a movie and laughed for hours. Yet here just a couple of weeks later, I get upset because he pulls out of a parking lot before I start my car. I of course said "what if my car did not start" "what if some guy attacked the car" he quickly replied "you have your cell phone you could just call me." I know he is right. I was not even dark. Why did that bother me so much? Am I that needy? This same women that has over come brain surgery a few times, gets upset over that! What is wrong with me? I all of a sudden feel like that little kid you see screaming for candy at the check out isle. Maybe it is because I will be 46 in a few weeks. Maybe it is because as we get older we think we have the right to do as we please.
I need to give myself some of my own words I am sure. I know I am great at giving advise, but I stink at taking it. However, if anyone out there in this wonderful virtual world of cyberspace wants to throw some advise this way....I'll try and listen.
Thanks for reading Weebalmom

Happened so Fast!

Well it has been an interesting month. My father passed away on March 5th, very suddenly. He did have lung cancer but was told he had several months to live. This just shows you that only God has the book that says who stays and who goes. The day he died I was called to the hospital but told not to rush. I was told it would probably be a few days. He died before I got there. I only live about 30 mins from the hospital. I know he is better off and he is not in pain anymore. I know that when we cry when a person dies, it is for us, not them. We miss them. We want them back, it is all very selfish. However we all have that right to be selfish when we want. This last month I have had a overflow of feelings. My head has been in so much pain from crying that if I used bad words before, I would have used a lot more then I did.
My son also turns 9 on Monday. I really don't understand that since yesterday he was a baby in my arms. He is branching out as well. He has finally made some friends in the neighborhood and had one spend the night on Thursday. His first sleep over! They were up till 1am. But it was so nice to hear the kids' laughter in the house again. Since April has left, and my dad for that matter, I have felt so out of place, so detached from my life. I guess I need to get it together, I am not much for wallowing in self pity. I am more likely to look at the positive (with the exception of this month). I am thankful my husband is so supportive. I have not been the easiest person or wife to be with this month.
Thankfully I feel like I am getting back on track. I am going to achieve some goals that I have had for all to long. I'll let you know when I reach them. No, I won't tell you what they are. That's for me to know and you to find out...later. I also see my wonderful husband working on his goals as well. What kind of wife would I be if I didn't join along? The best birthday gift I can give my children is a mom and dad who are head over heals in love, again! I'll try and keep you all updated. Thanks for reading! Weebalmom